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  • 10 months later...

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

 

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

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Why can't fairies give blood? Not enough Haemogoblin.

 

Some kids challenged me to a water fight recently but they were no match for me and my kettle!

 

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

 

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

 

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

 

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

 

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

 

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

 

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

 

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

 

Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

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I'm hoping he tours around my way fairly soon.

 

"The headmaster told me I had to go see the school psychologist and I said 'why do I have to see the school psychologist?' so he shows me the petition"

 

"I thought I was being followed by a paid assassin but the guy's a volunteer"

Edited by Cereus
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I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

 

Velcro... what a rip-off.

 

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â€I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.â€

 

â€There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me “oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guysâ€. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault?â€

 

The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses, he must have been a hell of a salesman.

 

 

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"I tried water polo and my horse drowned…that was a nightmare."

 

"People tell me, "Lee, you should take up golf. It's good for you." You know what I say to that? "Fuck off."

 

 

They're making us pay a fortune for electricity, ya know. They reckon we should save the planet, save electricity and all that sort of stuff. Oh, yeah, I'm loving this shit they're coming out with! You got the Chinese bellowing out shit for coal-fired power stations, the Americans are driving about in 4x4 Humvees, Las Vegas is lit up like a giant Christmas tree, but they reckon if I switch off this little standby button on my TV.......

 

 

You know, you get these people that are, like, "Here, I was talking to her on Monday... Was it Tuesday? Was it Thurs-?" "Who cares? Just tell me what they fucking said!"............... I hate them fuckers! They say stuff like, "Feels like a Tuesday. Does it feel like a Tuesday? Yeah, feels like a Tuesday." I don't know! How the fuck does Tuesday feel? .............They're like, "It's half past five, but it only feels like twelve." Fucking hell, do these people forget to go to bed because they already think they're asleep?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I was going to join the debating team at university but someone talked me out of it.

 

I woke up this morning and everything in my place had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

 

I'll always remember my grandfather's last words, he said "a truck!".

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I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details.â€

 

 

The pollen count, that's a difficult job, especially if you've got hay fever

 

 

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

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They say most guy's sexual fantasy is to be involved in a threesome. I had a threesome recently but I didn't enjoy it, in fact halfway through I said "listen Rick, Jim. I am not enjoying this".

 

I'm not very good at hide and seek I think you'll find.

 

A badly timed high five is a real slap in the face.

 

I've been called too vague by you know who...but you know the old saying...

 

I hate indecisive people, well hate's a strong word.

 

Where I was once opposed I am now in favour of fat people being buried together. The plot thickens!

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