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Tomâ„¢

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    Random Things Discussion

    in General Chat

    Posted

    lol

     

     

    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign

    Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

     

     

     

    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent

    candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we

    hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective

    immediately.

     

     

     

    (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

     

     

     

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties

    over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which

    she does not fancy).

     

     

     

    Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for

    America without the need for further elections.

     

     

     

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be

    circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

     

     

     

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following

    rules are introduced with immediate effect:

     

     

     

    1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'

    'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell

    'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will

    be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to

    raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

     

     

     

    2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises

    such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form

    of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let

    Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be

    adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the

    elimination of '-ize.'

     

     

     

    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

     

     

     

    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

    lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

    therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns

    should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out

    without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready

    to shoot grouse.

     

     

     

    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

    more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be

    required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

     

    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will

    start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time,

    you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of

    conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you

    understand the British sense of humour.

     

     

     

    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

    calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

     

     

     

    8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

    are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips

    are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal

    fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

     

     

     

    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

    beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to

    as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be

    referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are

    pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be

    due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see

    what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen

    Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

     

     

     

    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

    good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to

    play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English

    dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having

    one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

     

     

     

    11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of

    proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in

    time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American

    football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds

    or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

     

     

     

    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to

    host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played

    outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world

    beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn

    cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the

    sting out of their deliveries.

     

     

     

    13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

     

     

     

    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all

    monies due (backdated to 1776).

     

     

     

    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with

    saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;

    plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

     

    Random Things Discussion

    in General Chat

    Posted

    Disney is paying $4.05 billion to buy Lucasfilm Ltd., the production company behind "Star Wars," from its chairman and founder, George Lucas. It's also making a seventh movie in the "Star Wars" series called "Episode 7," set for release in 2015, with plans to follow it with Episodes 8 and 9 and then one new movie every two or three years.

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