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The fisheater (Not Notting Hill)

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The last six month I wrote a complete novel about me and a wonderful young actress ( :rolleye0012: ), we all know. It was the craziest time of my life so far, but I enjoyed it to go deep, deep into my phantasie. And it helped me to get on my feet again.


Here is a short reading sample. I would be pleased to get feedback, esp. on the fact, if my english is good enough for writing in this language. I have now a "real novel" in mind, but I want to write it in english, too.




The plot: Em was a "special guest" at a birthday-party of prince Harry at Buckingham Palace, but things went a little bit out of control. Now the party is over and we are at the famous balcony of Buckingham Palace......



It was 4 am in the morning, and I was sitting quite relaxed with Harry and William on THE famous balcony of Buckingham Palace. They had all gone and we were just sitting there on the floor, having a last drink. Harry was in no good mood. I think, William had underestimated Harry’s crush on Emma seriously and the consequences would be heavy for Harry. At least a heavy headache – too much drinks.

“Boys†Harry said after a while, “until this evening I was thinking, that I am a hero. I was fighting in Afghanistan, went to the north-pole and had some difficults rescues with the heli to do. But now I know, that I am no hero at all. There is another lad out there, somewhere, who is for me the greatest hero in the world. Granny should grant him a knighthood…..â€.

“And who could that be?†asked William and looked at both of us. I said nothing at all. Harry took a new glass of whisky, stared at me, then he said: “Somewhere, out there, there lives a man, who hat the unique opportunity to be the first man in Emma's life. He had this unique experience, and now she is no longer his girlfried. To cope with that during your whole life, knowing, that you sleept with this woman once and you will never touch her again – after you have touched her – would drive me mad. I would kill me, if I were this man…….â€


William and I said nothing. I was a little bit drunk, too. “These are the tragedies of life, and we have to deal with them, Harry!†I said and comforted him. “Damn, how nice would it be to wake up with her……†and emptied his next glas of "Glenfiddich". He was now very drunk and in the end we managed it to get Harry to bed. I said good by to my friend William (“see you soonâ€) and went down slowly to the west entrance again. “Taxi, Sir?†asked the guard on duty and I only nodded. When I arrived home, Emma was sound asleep. I looked at her for a moment, then I thought to myself “I would kill me, too….†and went down to the living room, to sleep on the couch.


It was Emma, who woke me up the next day. It was afternoon allready and I had a bad neck, because sleeping on the couch was a little bit uncomfortable. Emma looked at me mischivous. “Love, you look like a unmade bed…†she said, smiled and helped me up. “Thank you for that compliment. This is exactly, what I need after such a night!†I said, but I was not angry. I had a massive hangover and my head was killing me. Thousends of little Harry’s were dancing in my head, crying “I want to wake up with her…..†Definitly too much whisky, too much royality and too much crush on Emma……


“What did you do, when I left?†asked Emma and handed me a cup of tea. “Autsch, hot!†I said and nearly droped the mug. “Well, Will and I where busy comforting Harry about his loss….†– “Poor boy!†said Emma. “Yes, but after a bottle of Whisky, he asked a very interesting question….†And I told her Harry’s last remark on the balkony of Buckingham Palace. Emma sat beside me. “Gosh, men have ideas when they are drunk….†she sighted and for a moment she looked like somebody, who was calling back a memory of a time, gone by.


He lips formed a little smile. “It was so funny….†she said silent, “neither of us knew exactly what to do. Whe were both very nervous and I think, he had not only to cope with this nervousness, but also with the fact, that it was me, he loved.†She was smiling, obviously remembering the situation. “And, who was it?†- I could not witheld the question. Emma looked at me. “A nice young chap from the team of the ‘Half Blood Prince’. I saw him every day, working at the props-department. He was some time responsible for the wands, we used. Nobody was allowed to take a wand outside the studio, so they were registered and you had to sign on a list when collecting your’s. So I met him nearly every day. We flirted a little bit, but I think, he would have never had the courage to ask me, 'Hermione', out on a date. So, on a Friday afternoon, I did it and asked HIM out. Gosh, the guy nearly fainted behind his desk. We went to a disco in Watford and the he took me home with his little car. I had to ask him twice if he would want to kiss me. Well, and then we did, what comes naturally…….â€. I looked at my little lady. It was definity a good experience, she had.


“Harry suggested, that the Queen should grant him a knighthood, because he will never have you again…..â€. “Good idea. We spent two wonderful weeks together, kissing and hugging hidden in the props department. This was one of the reasons, why I loved “A week with Marilyn†so much. It remembered me….. But the production was a little bit upset with me, because I broke my wand so often and I had to go to props again….. Then he changed the job within the production team and I had no more reason to see him during shooting. And so my first intimate relationship faded out somehow…….â€. She sighted and looked at me with her wonderful brown eyes. “Poor boy!†I said. “Oh, I think, he could deal with it. I know he is still working at Leavesden, but I never met him again!†– “I could not deal with it, definitly!†I said. “If you ever leave me, I will kill myself.†– “This will never happen!" said my little lady and I knew, that she was honest with me.

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Just an idea, she was 17 going on 18 when HBP was filmed, I don't think she lost her virginity that late.


As for the language I would stick to German, writing fiction in a foreign language is difficult

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  • 2 weeks later...

And that's how the chapter ends......






Some years later, I was sitting at the canteen of Leavesden studios, waiting for Emma to give her a lift home after a long day of shooting. After quite a while a group of workers came into the canteen to have their tea. On guy sat down next to me. He looked like a younger version of Richard Gere and I found him – as a man – quite attractiv. He sipped on his tea, then he recogniced me. After a few seconds he said: “Excuse me, but I think, you are Emma Watson’s husband…†– “Yes, I am.†– “I was looking forward to meet you for some time!†he said and came closer. “I just wanted to say to you, what a wonderful wife you have. A wife, I ever wanted….â€. And he looked a little bit miserable.

“Are you by any chance the guy with the wands?†I asked and found the situation once again priceless.

“How do you know…..†he asked surprised. “Well, Emma told me the story of her first love years ago. And that it happend here at Leavesden…..â€

“Yes, I am the – what you will call - poor guy….†he said. “I understand that…..†I answered. “I couldn’t work it out. She was so beautyful, so charming and so pretty. But everything went too fast and from one day to the other she was gone……..†he said.

“But now she is here!†I said, because I saw Emma standing at the entrance, looking for me.

She came over, happy and cheerful. “Hi love, good to see you……†she said and kissed me on my cheek. Then she looked at my companion.

“Ian…..†she said silently and she seemed surprised. “Hi, Ems!†he said and looked at her. For a few seconds there was silence. “I met Ian while waiting for you….†I said to break the ice. “Ian is…..†started Emma, but I interrupted her. “… the guy with the wands. I allready know!†I said. “You look georgeus!†said Ian and Emma went red a little bit. After all these years, there was still some sparkling between the two. “Maybe you want to talk a little bit in private. I can imagine, there are some things to say……†I said and stood up. “I will wait for you at the car, Emma!â€

After ten minutes she came. “Oh Jonny, what a day. First this terrible shooting as main course and then Ian as dessert…..â€. I looked at my little lady. “He still confuses you, right?†I asked her. She looked at me. “You know, the first one is always special, sorry for that!†“I agree with you, Emma. I do not often think about my first girlfriend, but when I do, I have still this warm feeling. I think it’s something that makes you human!â€.

Edited by Jonny Carinthia
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Because I was asked.... Here the complete plot of the "Fisheater"



John, Earl of Kinloss and Nairn, was born in 1965 in Austria and worked many years in the marketing-departement of a insurance company. After a severe collapse in 2011 and his recovery in various hospitals in Austria, he traveled to Great Britain. There he met by chance during a stay at Oxford the English actress Emma Watson ("Harry Potter", "My week with Marilyn", "The perks of beeing a wallflower"). After only a short time the two started a relationship, although he was more then 25 years older then she.


Through the mediation of Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe, at that time chief comissioner of Scotland Yard, he met the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (commonly known as "Prince William" and "Princess Catherine") when they needed his help to get a special birthday surprise (= Emma) for Prince Harry. From this encounter has developed a friendship that lasted until the death of the Earl in 2049. To behave right in royal circles, he took lessons from current and former officials of the court. In 2014 he gained British citizenship and he and Emma married secretly and unnoticed from the public at Balmoral Castle in Scotland. It is said that Prince William was the matchmaker for the couple.


John worked the first few years as a free journalist for various media, which he supplied with insider stories from films and nobility. Besides, he wrote numerous essays for film and television productions. Through his wife he met many producers and directors from Hollywood and the British film industrie. They recogniced his talent for telling stories, so he ceased finally writing for newspapers und concentrated on writing short stories and novels. At least 24 of his short novels and essays were produced as films or TV-series over the years. His best known films are "Stranded", "The mystery of Felicity House ", "Keep it private, keep it simple", “Napoleon, Napoleon†(initially after a story, Daniel Radcliffe told in the TV-Show “Inside the actors studioâ€), “How I see the world from a apple-treeâ€, “1.000 sheep – Love in the Highlandsâ€, "N54-Nightbus to heaven" and the television series "Royal Pain", which saw over 15 seasons and told fictional stories of a royal household. For the much loved english comedy “Call Oxford Circus 112†he received a Academy Award-nomination for the best “original novelâ€, but did not won.


Only once he wrote a complete script for an episode of "CSI Las Vegas", which was produced with Emma (more or less as herself) in the lead role (Season 18, Episode 23, “Dead endâ€). In this episode he appeared also for the first and last time as an actor. He played the villain and was shot in the end. After the Prince of Wales had renounced the throne after the death of Queen Elizabeth, William was crowned King of England. He appointed his friend to be his first private secretary, which meant a steep climb in society. In addition to his duties as private secretary, whom he met almost 15 years, he continued to write essays for film projects and oversaw the career of his wife Emma “from the second rowâ€. From the beginning of their relationship he avoided it to get too much in the public eye. Together they have four children (Hermione, Harold, named “Harryâ€, Giovanni and Catherine), "on for each Academy Award for Emma," as he once said jokingly. In fact was Emma pregnant on at least two OSCAR-nights.


On his 70th Birthday, he got a peerage and consequently retired with his family in the Scottish Highlands, where he bought a Estate near Nairn (Nairnshire). There he wrote his memoirs about his "second, real life" with the unusual title "The fisheater". They were published after his death. John died on the 4th of August 2049, exact 37 years after he first met Emma in Oxford.




Disclaimer: All events in this novel are pure fictual; each correlation with actual events are purely coincidental. Non of the persons mentioned were ever involved in events, described in this book.

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After our wedding things went on well. We returned to London and Emma proceeded with the preperation of her two films. She was very focused when she was working on a character and I think, it was this time much more for her then “beeing Hermioneâ€. Hermione in Harry Potter was more or less Emma, and sometimes I thought, that she had to play in the Harry Potter-movies only herself….. But the task, playing a nurse, who murders her patients with a smile (HER smile) on her lips, was something different. So she needed time and created a frightening character in a very black movie.


I think I told you before, that Emma was great in switching within a second from one character to another, and the experience, that this lovely little lady at my side changed during the headlines of the evening news without notice into a murdering beauty, staring at me with really frightening eyes, was something new for me. I saw her only little during daytime - Emma left the house at 5.30 am and returned not before 8 pm - in the periode of preperation and shooting. So I spent my time with writing and working on some novels. As you may know, some of them ended on screen. It was Simon Curtis, the director of “Deadly Beautyâ€, who noticed my talent first. I payed the set of the film one visit only, standing silently and unrecogniced behind a corner, when Emma and Simon came over and Emma – wearing a nurse outfit, in which she looked gorgeous - introduced me. He was, well lets say, a little bit surprised to meet Emma’s husband (but he kept silent until we broke the news), but during our conversation Emma told him very exited about a short story, I wrote the other day. It was the basic story for “Call Oxford Circus 112â€. I sent it Simon on the next day, and he was so impressed, that he took it into his “wish-mapâ€. A few years later he found the right screen-writer and this guy made out of my little story a worldwide success….. He also recommended me to his brother Richard, and we worked on three films together, having much fun and success.


When Emma was at home on her days off, she spended most of the time in bed, otherwise she was trying to kill me, means, she practised her character on me. I was happy, when I learned, that the next movie she was in was a romantic lovestory (you know maybe under the titel “Don’t kiss the bride….â€). It was much more fun to rehears kisses with her then beeing strangled, stabbed or brought to death by poison or pills…


So time went by and we felt very comfortable. It was good for our relationship that we were seperated from time to time. So we could enjoy the time, we had together, much more. When the actual shooting of “Deadly Beauty†came to an end, we went to Paris for a few days. Emma was born there and she loved the city and the flair. Well, I was not really a fan of Paris, never was, but it is said that Paris is the “city of loveâ€, and I found out, that this was probably right. We were both very relaxed, and the nights with Emma were pure sensation. She was going to be the perfect lover, and we got closer and closer. This young woman showed me with her passion and emotion a totally new world and again we were caught in a Tsunami of love.


On daytime, she shopped a lot, and I was once again a sort of “bodyguardâ€, carrying her bags back to the hotel and fighting the all- and everywhere present paparazzi. But, you know, she had a very good hand for fashion and her private shows, she gave to me with her new dresses tourned out to be very special and for my eyes only.


Back in London I realised, that with the end of shooting the production of a movie was not finished. Now started the “post productionâ€-process, and Emma spent again much time at Pinewood. Also the PR-campagne for the movie started with press-conferences, dinners and receptions. She was bound by contract to attend all these events and time for us at evenings and nights got very rare again……


During the post-production of “Deadly Beauty†another miracle happened. I got a letter from Swansea Crown Court, telling me, that a very old friend of mine (from the time I was married to Chris, my first wife) has inherited me and Chris with a wonderful house high above the shores of the Irish Sea near Fishguard. “Felicity House†– so the name of the white building - stood in a beautiful garden and was in perfect order. It was a miracle, because I had Bob – this was the name of the old chap - forgotten already. We lost contact after my devorce from Chris. Our aquaintance was just a short episode during the time, when Chris was studying at Swansea, but it should turn out good for me. Emma and I went down to Fishguard and we felt in love with â€Felicity House†and the surrounding aera at once. Chris, still living in Austria, had no interest in the building at all and so Emma decided, to buy the half from her. For a very good price, in my opinion. But Emma loved it to wake up in the morning and had the possibility to look out on the sea. So we had now two little and cosy retreats, where we could hide from the public and where Emma could rest and study her roles. One was Scotland, and now Wales was also a destination.


Then came the day of the premiere auf “Deadly Beauty†at the famous “Odeon-Cinema†at Leicester-Square in London. It was my first premiere there – going of course as member of the press – and I was very exited.


Emma, in contrast, had a very bad day. She felt terrible and spent the whole morning in the bathroom. Well, I think, she was very nervous, because it was the premiere of a film with a very different Emma. It is one thing to be a nice and charming little witch and change then into a very dangerous and sinister woman. She was nervous, because she was afraid, what the audience and her fans would think. It was her first leading role in a movie, very different from the stuff she did before.


After lunch she went a little bit better and started into the city very early. I followed her later and when I went into the press-office to get my accreditation, the ladies there talked already about the “breathless beautiful Emma Watsonâ€. Later I saw her on the red carpet in front of the cinema and I found too, that she had never been more beautiful. She wore a wonderful white dress, caressing her perfect body and she was charming, entertaining and cheerful. The cameras loved her on that evening, and she loved the cameras. She talked to the fans, wrote autographs and she did everything with a smile. I just watched her and thought, that she must be very, very happy. She did a great performance in the movie and in the end there were standing ovations and long applause for her and her co-stars. I was sitting in the press-lounge and watched her with a very special feeling.


The critics in the media in the days after the premiere were also excellent and very good. They praised Emma as a “new adult star†and it was well recognised, that she was no longer “Hermione Grangerâ€. Emma was very pleased with the outcome, and the box office was it, too. The first weekend cinemas were overrun from the audience. I think, they where all Hermione-fans, wanting to see their idol in a new roll…..


But Emma was not allright at all. The days after the premiere she slept very much, ate little and just wanted it quiet. At this time, I thought that this might be a sort of stress-releave after more then eight month of intensive work, mostly inpersonating a total other and sinister character. She looked like a ghost to me and I began to worry about her.


Emma was happy, when I suggested to her to go to Fishguard again. Her next film was coming up and so a week off sounded great before going back to the studio. So I packed her and two suitcases in my car and we drove off to Fishguard. I stopped at Swansea, visiting the grave of Bob. I owed him a lot, although we had spent only a very short time together……..


I did everything, that my little lady had it comfortable at all. When in Fishguard I cared very much for her and besides good cooking, long walks on the beach and hours of rest in the garden we turned also into a week full of kissing, cuddle, hugging and laughing. I was happy, that she loved my cooking and that she ate pretty much at dinner-time. Only my breakfast was not wellcomed and she had only toast and something hot, she called "tea". She had real troubles to get on her feet in the morning and I was wondering, if this would happen after each production, she was in. I knew the results of stress very well, had experienced them on myself…….


But after a few day she was better and I thought, that the fresh air from the sea did something to her. We had a wonderful time and every morning, when I went out in the garden and looked down at the Irish Sea, I thanked heaven for Emma and Bob for his generosity, to inherit me with such a beautiful place.


It was on a Thursday, when we woke up in glorious sunshine. We heard the sound of the sea through the open window and the smell of flowers and freshly mowed grass from the neighbouring fields was a wonderul perfume… We had a very peaceful and romantic night and Emma was lying in my arm, when we were enjoying the morning.

“Love…†she said suddenly. “Hmmmm†I made, because I did not want to talk now. “Love, do you think, we are happy?†she asked. Ok, I had to answer. “What a question, Emma. I think we are very, very happy. Everything is so beautiful, you are so beautiful, and I think, I am also not bad at all….†– “You are great and I love you dearly..…†she said. We kissed.


“Do you think, this will go on and we will stay together forever?†she asked after a short silence. Well, I recommend every man who is with a woman to go on alert at such a moment. Be suspicious. I wasn’t. I checked nothing. “It will go on, my love. At least for the next 35 years. I nearly missed your love one time and I did not want to do this again. By god, I cannot live without you!†I answered and looked into her big brown eyes. “That’s good, because I do not wanna live without you, too!†she said with a sigh and hugged me again. Caressing her bare skin was something very special and I loved it……. “Filming does you well…†I said with a little smile and looked at her naked upper body. “Yes, the catering was very good…..†she answered.


While I am writing these lines, I think for shure, that I was in her eyes the stupidest guy on earth at this moment. But I checked nothing.

Again there was silence. Then she said: “Jonny, I hope you don’t mind, that we are no longer for ourselfs…..â€. In my head there was a switch, a natural reflex on something, I found sometimes very enoying. I furiosly sat up in bed and looked at her. “Don’t tell me, that Jo is coming to Fishguard to stay with us for work! ‘Felicity House’ is out of bounds for her!†I barked. Yes, call me stupid. Still I had checked nothing at all.


Emma smiled and shooked her head. It was a smile, I had never seen before. “Jo will not disturb us. Look, Jonny….†she said and looked down with her brown eyes putting her two hands on her bare belly. She had slept only in a short panty. “Jonny, we two will no longer be alone…..†My eyes followed her eyes and stopped at her bellybutton. In my head the picture of Jo dissapeared suddenly with a loud bang. For a few seconds I was not able to speak. Her eyes where still down on her hands.


“You mean, we are…….†I started very silent, because I could not believe the thought, that had come into my mind. She looked at me with her irresistable eyes and said: “We are expecting a baby, Jonny. In a few months we will no longer be alone.†Now she took one of my hands and put it softly on her belly. “It will be another little lady to you….†she said with a voice, I will always remember until my last day. I felt her soft skin, looked at her big brown eyes. I have problems to describe these seconds. She watched me closely. “There will be another little lady to you….†stuck in my brain and I was unable to speak.

Without a word I stood up and went out of the bedroom and straight into the garden.

I cried.

I cried, because I was inexpressibly happy, thankfull, relaxed, and unspeakable in love with this wonderful young woman. A few years ago she was just a imagination for me, a unthinkable dream, like for millions of other fans. And now this exeptional young woman was sitting beside me and telling me, that I was the father of her – our – baby.


I had not cried since I met her, but now everything came together and I was not able to keep my feelings with me any longer.

I sat down on a bench and cried. To be honest, when writing these lines – after more then 30 years - I’m sitting on the “Highland Chieftain†Intercity-service from London to Inverness, and I am crying again and people giving me strange looks.

Tears were running down my cheeks and I was not ashamed of them. How had my life changed. And now “another little lady to you.....â€


“Jonny, is everything all right?†Suddenly Emma was with me in the garden, standing in front of me in her white silk dressing-gown. She was looking at me with a mixture of fear, curiosity and love. She had never seen me crying before.

I looked up at her, could hardly see her through my tear-filled eyes. “I love you, I love you both…†I wispered, grabbed her and pulled her to me. My lips carresed her belly and my tongue played softly with her bellybutton. She giggled. “Hi, little lady!†I said very quiet in the direction of her belly, “this is your dad…..â€


We were both not able to do something reasonable that day, so we went back to bed. It was tender and romantic. Emma told me, that it must have happened when we stayed in Paris. She loved the idea that our little girl was conceived during our stay there. Whe had never talked about children, but I think, sometimes things are going the right way without talking too much about it. She felt terrible the weeks before the premiere of “Deadly Beautyâ€, staying much time at her wardrobe in Pinwood, using the bathroom. The usual things, when a woman get pregnant. On the day of the premiere it was worse again and she wanted to see her doctor on that matter before the premiere. She too was thinking, that it was only the stress with the movie. But her doctor needed only three minutes to find out everything…… Emma was not sure, how I would react on this news. So she waited for a propper moment. But, she was so happy that day she went first to see her doc and then to the premiere, that everybody was able to see it in front of the cinema.


“And it will be a little girl?†I asked her again and again. “Yes.†“Emma Watson pregnant with a little girl – you know what that means…†I said a little later. “Oh yes, troubles ahead!†she gave me our standard-answer, when something new was aproaching us. “But we will manage it…..†– “Of course, but that was not the thing I meant.†- “What else?†asked Emma. “If there is a little girl to Emma Watson, there is clearly only one name for that little girl…..†I smiled. “Do you think, we should call her…….†she started. “Yes, definitly. It can only be ‘Hermione’. Nothing else!†– Now Emma went emotional. “You agree with me, that her name should be Hermione?†– “Yes, of course! Or do you have another idea?†I answered. Nothing else but Hermione was possible for me.

“Oh Jonny, I love you even more for that. I had no idea how to tell you my greatest wish and now you say, that you had the same idea…..†She kissed me. “Yes, Emma, Hermione is the only name for your first daughter. It’s a great name, a name with history and a name of a wonderful young witch…..†It is always great fun to be in love with a woman, who has the same look on things……

So in the end it was Hermione Victoria Jeanette Watson, and it is no secret, when I tell you, that J.K. Rowling is her godmother…….

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  • 3 weeks later...

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